Skip to main content

The One With the Stages

I wish that, at this point, I was excited to plan Flynn’s second birthday party. I wish that I was buried in choices for theme, menu, and party favors. After all, that is my realm. In our world - the world of having a child with special needs, however, a child ages out of early intervention at three. Turning two is the starting line for preparation to enter the school district, timelines, countless life-altering decisions, and paperwork. I am dreading two for everything aside from the typical reasons. I am ready to embrace the "terrible" twos, but I need to catch my breath before venturing into this unplanned, isolating, seemingly uncharted territory.

Before becoming Flynn's mom, I thought I had prepared myself in every way that I could aside from caring for an actual child. I read all of the books, articles, and blogs, joined groups, and took classes. Does that actually make you a better parent? I don't believe so. I'm not even sure that it really prepares you. What I am sure of it that none of those things prepare you for an atypical experience, like that of raising a child with a disability. On top of everything else, it's a life of vocabulary and medical terms, laws and regulations, obstacles and setbacks, and countless tests and appointments.

I've gone through many stages, but I’m no longer angry. I’m no longer sad. I’m just tired. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Life doesn't stop and allow you the time to conquer these obstacles. Time doesn't pause for you to simply enjoy being a parent, and there are never enough hours in the day. All of my energy goes into showing love, pride, patience, and compassion all while trying to accomplish all of the “extras” that we need to accomplish in our daily life.

Being the parent of a child with disabilities is so rewarding. I have been granted the gift of love and life and endless gratitude. I have learned how to be a mother and an advocate, all thanks to this tiny little soul. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything because I’m right where I need to be. I just need a hug.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The One With NICU Awareness Month

As a parent, I’m different. Whether I want to be or not, it’s true.

Being at a hospital or doctor’s office makes me queasy, which is unfortunate because I spend a lot of time there nowadays. The stark whiteness and fluorescent lights, the clinking of metal tools and equipment, the vast spaces and uncomfortable quiet, and the unsettling feeling of receiving bad news.  The hospital is where I found out that my whole world was going to be turned upside down and then saw things that I wish I could unsee, but are burned into my brain. Doctor’s offices became an extension of those memories and a reminder of the journey behind us and all of the struggles we had the potential to face.

I can’t use hand sanitizer because the smell takes me back to a place that I don’t want to revisit. I can hear the sound of the dispenser in my head - the automatic whirring of the machine on the wall as the motion sensor recognized my hands beneath it - a noise that became all too familiar to me. The extra prec…

The One Where It’s Worth It

I see and hear all too often parents publicly complaining about their children. I’m not referring to the mother who voices to her friends that she is exhausted because she didn’t sleep last night or the father who admits that he feels tired after working an extra long shift. This type of venting is necessary and required to make things work. What I am specifically talking about is the parent who seeks attention because “parenting is hard” and “all the baby does is cry” or how all their child “never leaves them alone.” I find that I don’t handle that very well. I see it on social media, I hear it in the grocery store and it hurts.

This has nothing to do with the fact that I think that I am a perfect mother because I’m not, nor do I think that I am. I struggle and am tired and get frustrated, of course. Why? Because being a parent is the hardest job in the world. It’s 24/7 and stops for nothing or no one. I voice it to someone close to me, mostly my husband, and I move on because my com…

The One With The Questioning

There’s something that I want to talk about. It’s something that is constantly on my mind, but has been affecting me more recently than in the past few months. Some days, it’s crippling but I carry on because, well, what else is there to do besides live the day to day? I’m a parent who is depended on.

I know that I am trying my absolute best, but I don’t feel like I’m a good mother. 

This has nothing to do with a lack of love in my heart. I love my son more than words can describe. I would do anything for him, regardless of my own well-being. I cherish every snuggle, sloppy kiss, and sweet giggle and I breathe through the tantrums and tough moments knowing that they’ll pass. I understand him, even though he can’t speak, and I think he knows that mama is his home. While I know all of these things to be true, my doubts of my capabilities as a mom don’t falter.

For the past six months, Flynn has been receiving early intervention services. We started him out with just physical therapy to a…