Just Brave Enough

The other day, I lost my patience. I shouldn't have and I'm not proud of it. There really is no excuse for it, but I reached my breaking point and it all came pouring out in the form of a scream, throwing a plate full of food in the sink and a puddle of tears. I've been beating myself up about it ever since it happened. As a mom, there is a lot of pressure to do everything and to do it well without losing the smile on your face. As the mother of a little one who has even greater needs, that pressure intensifies because the more that a child requires, the bigger the smile must be, the bar for perfection raises, and the patience that goes along with it increases. We are constantly walking on a very thin tightrope. At the end of the day, our babies are doing their very best (even on bad days) and they need our love and support always, but getting to the end of the day as happy beings can sometimes take more work. My son is a happy, energetic, spunky, funny, playful, and am...

We are coming up on Flynn's first birthday. Unlike some parents, I am not sad that he's getting older. I'm actually excited for him to be growing and learning and turning one, even though time has flown by. What I am  anxious about is recalling the events of one year ago. I am afraid to relive the day my baby was born. I’m sure I’m not alone in saying this. I’m positive that there are other mothers out there that experience this feeling, namely parents of babies that were born prematurely or under traumatic circumstances. I see the dates pass by and, in my head, I’m recreating what exactly went wrong and how. It’s like watching a horrific accident unfold, but I can’t stop it. I know that I can’t be the only one, yet I feel so isolated. Who wishes that they could just forget something that should have been so magical? The day that my child was born was not the happiest day of my life, it was the scariest and most traumatizing. It’s a day that I try not to think about and...

No one gets to tell you that you’re fine. You’ve fought hard. You’ve overcome a lot. No one gets to dismiss that for you. You’re not fine. You're not fine because you're struggling and that's okay. Every day is hard and there is some kind of battle to face. It's okay to not be okay. If you want to not be a fighter today, that's your choice. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Cry, scream, vent, carry on. Do what you have to do to get through the day. Find someone that allows you to do that. You need it. You can always try again tomorrow. You do not have to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is perfect. You know why? Because it's not. It's not perfect because life isn't fair. Are there ways that you am more fortunate than others? Of course, that's the case with anyone. There are also some things that just aren't right. You will have to fight harder or never get them at all and that  is what you get to be angry about. Am I lucky to...

I have heard a lot of things similar to “Be grateful that he’s not mobile yet. You’re in for it then!” or “You think you’re tired now? Wait until he’s running around! You’ll want to turn back time!” You know what? After all this past (almost) year has held, I will chase him up mountains if I have to. I will figure out how to swim across across oceans so that he can investigate the fish closer. If he wants to fly across the sky, I will build him a plane.  Watching him learn and grow and start to explore, I see the look in his eyes. I watch his pupils grow and the glimmer that comes across them. I can see the wonder and the hope build, but then it turns to frustration. The glimmer fades and it turns to tears because his mind wants to goes, but he physically can’t. My heart shatters, but I don’t cry. I do what I can to reach to help him reach his goals and make a huge deal over what others would see as nothing at all. After all, I’m his mother and that’s my job. Mommy makes the h...

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am in a position to give anyone advice on how to be a mother because, let's be real, I've been a mom for about five minutes. Even a rookie, however, is aware that having a child is no walk in the park. Of course, raising a tiny human in this cruel world is difficult, but I am specifically referring to being a mom among other mothers. There is a lot of judgement and, you guessed it, competition. As a new mom, these waters have been tough to navigate. As the mom of a preemie, they've been impossible. All children reach milestones at their own pace, whether it be finally reaching a specific weight, growing out of newborn clothes, sitting up on their own, holding his or her own bottle, or walking. It's stressful enough to make sure that your child progresses accordingly, but it adds to the anxiety when there's a constant comparison. "Oh, you're still holding his bottle for him?" "Shouldn't he be ...