Just Brave Enough

It is often asked "How many weeks was he?" or "How much did he weigh?" when the topic of my son being premature arises. These answers have become routine, the words flow out of my mouth before my brain can even formulate a sentence; it's almost a reflex. The truth is, however, having a preemie and enduring a NICU stay is anything but routine. That is why we need NICU Awareness Month. I've seen what a two-pound baby looks like. I've seen translucent skin, tinted blue, peering out beneath tangled wires and tubes. I've seen a life stop breathing and a chest rise and fall with the help of a machine. I've seen eyes fused shut. I've seen hands the size of my fingertips, a head that fits in my palm, and a bottom that sits on three of my fingers. I've seen countless needles and heel pricks. I've seen an unbelievably small body under bright lights. I've seen an incubator shrouded with medical professionals day after day, planning the bes...

The other day, I lost my patience. I shouldn't have and I'm not proud of it. There really is no excuse for it, but I reached my breaking point and it all came pouring out in the form of a scream, throwing a plate full of food in the sink and a puddle of tears. I've been beating myself up about it ever since it happened. As a mom, there is a lot of pressure to do everything and to do it well without losing the smile on your face. As the mother of a little one who has even greater needs, that pressure intensifies because the more that a child requires, the bigger the smile must be, the bar for perfection raises, and the patience that goes along with it increases. We are constantly walking on a very thin tightrope. At the end of the day, our babies are doing their very best (even on bad days) and they need our love and support always, but getting to the end of the day as happy beings can sometimes take more work. My son is a happy, energetic, spunky, funny, playful, and am...

I have heard a lot of things similar to “Be grateful that he’s not mobile yet. You’re in for it then!” or “You think you’re tired now? Wait until he’s running around! You’ll want to turn back time!” You know what? After all this past (almost) year has held, I will chase him up mountains if I have to. I will figure out how to swim across across oceans so that he can investigate the fish closer. If he wants to fly across the sky, I will build him a plane.  Watching him learn and grow and start to explore, I see the look in his eyes. I watch his pupils grow and the glimmer that comes across them. I can see the wonder and the hope build, but then it turns to frustration. The glimmer fades and it turns to tears because his mind wants to goes, but he physically can’t. My heart shatters, but I don’t cry. I do what I can to reach to help him reach his goals and make a huge deal over what others would see as nothing at all. After all, I’m his mother and that’s my job. Mommy makes the h...

The NICU and the ICU may have been the most painful points of our lives, but once you leave, that doesn't mean it's over. Even still, we are going through the most difficult time we've ever had. Don't get me wrong, we are so incredibly thankful to have our son. I am so grateful to be able to hold him in my arms every single day and get those sloppy baby kisses. Given our journey, we are fortunate to have him here at all. Some days, though, that joy doesn't totally numb the pain. Is it selfish? Probably. But it's only human to hurt. Before I was able to get pregnant, seeing a woman with a baby bump would make me sad. It would remind me of what I was incapable of, but wanted so badly. Now, it conjures memories of what I once had and loved, but I failed at. It's a reminder of what I will never have again. I'm not sure which has been more painful. Is it worse to have something and have it taken away, or to have never experienced something at all? Obviously...

*The following may be sensitive material to anyone who has had their own NICU experience. Read at your own discretion.* While it's an amazing feeling to have a NICU graduate, the experience is not over once those glass doors close behind you for the last time. I honestly thought that I would feel total relief and comfort when I scooped up my son, buckled him in his car seat, and headed home, but that wasn't the case. Aside from what I would describe as "new parent anxiety" after bringing an infant home for the first time, I felt something more. I was panicked and scared to live a life where my baby wasn't hooked up to machines and monitors and without nurses on call, but when it was quiet, I suffered. I still struggle every single day. It started the day we had brought Flynn home from the hospital. Shortly after we arrived home, it was time for him to eat. I prepped the bottle, but he wouldn't take it no matter how warm it was or how we held him. I called t...

My son is the light of my life. I love opening my eyes to his smile every morning and rocking him to sleep at night. He is so pure and innocent, yet so strong. As a new mom, he has taught me every single thing that I know. He reassures me and comforts me. He makes me feel each day that I have done something right, but I wish that I could shelter him from every bad thing that he will come to know. Over time, I have learned that even babies aren't safe from labels. Luckily, Flynn is too little to realize this right now and I can protect him in every way that I can. Being born prematurely is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, especially because these babies defy all odds to simply survive. I have been surprised, though, by how some people can be so insensitive and unaccommodating. Flynn and I love to go out and about. He gets excited to see new places and people and be with his friends, even if it means going to the doctor's office (again). On days where we are stuck inside,...

If I had to describe my life in one word it would be privileged . Not in the sense where I was born holding a silver spoon or that I didn't have to work for how far I've come, but I have been very blessed with all that I have gotten. I would even go as far to say that some things have come easily and that my path in life was seemingly paved. Regardless of how things fall into place for someone, I think that it's safe to say that everyone has a life plan, with both long-term and short-term goals. In my case, it appeared as though my map was drawn in permanent marker instead of pencil. At least it was, until someone took a giant magic eraser and sent me into a tailspin and wreaked total havoc on my Pinterest boards. I had my wedding planned at five years old. In 1997, we unfortunately lost the beautiful Princess Diana. I was a bit too young to completely understand, but what I did see was footage from her wedding to Prince Charles play over and over again on my television d...