Just Brave Enough

It is often asked "How many weeks was he?" or "How much did he weigh?" when the topic of my son being premature arises. These answers have become routine, the words flow out of my mouth before my brain can even formulate a sentence; it's almost a reflex. The truth is, however, having a preemie and enduring a NICU stay is anything but routine. That is why we need NICU Awareness Month. I've seen what a two-pound baby looks like. I've seen translucent skin, tinted blue, peering out beneath tangled wires and tubes. I've seen a life stop breathing and a chest rise and fall with the help of a machine. I've seen eyes fused shut. I've seen hands the size of my fingertips, a head that fits in my palm, and a bottom that sits on three of my fingers. I've seen countless needles and heel pricks. I've seen an unbelievably small body under bright lights. I've seen an incubator shrouded with medical professionals day after day, planning the bes...

If I had to describe my life in one word it would be privileged . Not in the sense where I was born holding a silver spoon or that I didn't have to work for how far I've come, but I have been very blessed with all that I have gotten. I would even go as far to say that some things have come easily and that my path in life was seemingly paved. Regardless of how things fall into place for someone, I think that it's safe to say that everyone has a life plan, with both long-term and short-term goals. In my case, it appeared as though my map was drawn in permanent marker instead of pencil. At least it was, until someone took a giant magic eraser and sent me into a tailspin and wreaked total havoc on my Pinterest boards. I had my wedding planned at five years old. In 1997, we unfortunately lost the beautiful Princess Diana. I was a bit too young to completely understand, but what I did see was footage from her wedding to Prince Charles play over and over again on my television d...

In the days that followed Flynn's birthday, I was overjoyed that I finally had the family I'd always wanted. The baby that I hoped and wished I would be blessed with was here and though he was early and we were unsure of what the future would bring, he was ours and we were so lucky to have him. Though I was once again home without my baby after my second hospital stay, I was extremely lucky to be alive and well enough to hold him again even though that meant traveling back and forth to see him. The time spent apart from my baby were the longest hours of my life. I was constantly calling and thinking about him. I sat there for as long as I physically could and whenever I could get a ride back and forth. In spite of the separation and exhaustion, I was happy. I thought it would be that simple: we had our son and I was happy. I was wrong. I wasn't prepared for the never-ending guilt that I would experience. It started in the days before Flynn was born and I still have i...

After being admitted to the ICU, I was a patient for another eight days. My memory is a bit foggy, but I do remember being woken up every hour or so for neurological tests (squeezing the nurse's fingers, putting my arms out in front of me, smiling, pushing my feet, and sticking my tongue out). I didn't mind being woken up because if I had more control over it, I would have never slept. I just wanted to get up and see my baby; however, I honestly could barely stay awake. I tended to fall asleep mid-conversation without realizing. I was very medicated, partly due to my anxiety over sleeping because my original headache happened at night. It also hurt to have my eyes open because of my newfound sensitivity to light, so I would just pass out randomly without warning. Because of the vulnerability to brightness (and the fluorescent lighting throughout the hospital), I was always wearing sunglasses which made it hard to tell that I wasn't actually awake during interactions with pe...

My hospital stay ended up being eight days - two before having the baby and the six after. I didn't necessarily want to go home and leave my baby, but I did miss my bed. I wasn't really able to eat much because, even though I was on a regular diet, I had to keep my blood pressure under control. If my levels went too high, I wasn't able to see the baby because it put too much stress on my body.  Though I didn't have any symptoms throughout my pregnancy, I was diagnosed with very severe preeclampsia. The medical definition is high blood pressure, often with high protein levels and fluid retention. If it’s not treated, the organs will begin to fail and both the mother and baby are put in danger. Because my case got so severe, so quickly, Flynn had to be delivered as soon as possible. There are situations where the blood pressure can be kept down with medication and the baby can be brought to term, but mine was not one of them. I learned that when you deliver a bab...

As a the mom of a preemie, there are a lot of things that you "lose." The first of which is getting to tell your birth story because not only do you most likely not want to relive it over and over, people generally don't ask either. I'm not sure what is worse, the feeling of guilt because you don't want to talk about your own baby's birth or the fact that no one wants to hear it. Well, I'm ready to tell mine: For some reason, the second I found out that I was pregnant, I feared that I was going to have to take the twenty-eight week glucose test and that I was going to develop gestational diabetes. Why? I honestly don't know. In my head, however, this was the worst thing that could happen and it was going to happen to me. For about twenty-two weeks, I lived with this fear and expressed it to many people who probably  thought that I was insane. My glucose test was scheduled months in advance for the day after Valentine's Day. Yes, the girl whose ...