Today, I went to the doctor, which is unfortunately not an uncommon occurrence for me (or my son, for that matter). I had yet another follow-up with my neurosurgeon, who had always managed to crush all of my hopes and dreams with more bad news, more prescriptions, and more appointments.
Today, I walked in the office, sat in the lobby, and patiently waited for my name to be called. This week, it’s been a year since my ICU stay. I’ve “successfully” reached 365 self-injected blood thinners to the stomach, consecutive countless pills taken morning and before bed, and days full of headaches with no end in sight. I’m officially one year post-stroke and I’ve carried a hematoma and several blood clots with me every step of the way.
Today, my name was called and I walked back into the same room that I’ve entered what feels like a million times before. The same exam room where I’ve viewed hopeless brain scans showing worse results or no improvement from the one before. Even with memory loss, I still know the routine that always ends with ”See you again real soon.” They all know me by name and face and know my story by heart, probably better than I know it.
Today, however, I left that office with a burden lifted. No more scans, no more medicines, no more follow-ups. My veins, vessels, and arteries show no signs of blockage and my temporal lobe is healing. I can be free again and live a life that, just one year ago, I showed no promise of living. I can focus on being me and being the best mom that I can be, without having to wonder how much time I have left. More important than any scans, medication, and follow-ups, there are no more imminent “what-ifs” that existed before. I can get rid of all of the notes that I so meticulously updated with current information about my child “just in case.” I can rest a little bit easier knowing that I don’t have an increased risk of not waking up. I can focus more on the now instead of wondering what will happen “if I’m gone.”
Today, I got to look my son in the eyes for the first time and promise him that I will be around for infinite kisses, hugs, snuggles, and hair ruffles. I got to tell him that even though I was told that I would be lucky to see him turn one, I will be here for plenty more birthdays. We’ll be unstoppable because not only did we both defy the odds, we pummeled them.
Today, I walked in the office, sat in the lobby, and patiently waited for my name to be called. This week, it’s been a year since my ICU stay. I’ve “successfully” reached 365 self-injected blood thinners to the stomach, consecutive countless pills taken morning and before bed, and days full of headaches with no end in sight. I’m officially one year post-stroke and I’ve carried a hematoma and several blood clots with me every step of the way.
Today, my name was called and I walked back into the same room that I’ve entered what feels like a million times before. The same exam room where I’ve viewed hopeless brain scans showing worse results or no improvement from the one before. Even with memory loss, I still know the routine that always ends with ”See you again real soon.” They all know me by name and face and know my story by heart, probably better than I know it.
Today, however, I left that office with a burden lifted. No more scans, no more medicines, no more follow-ups. My veins, vessels, and arteries show no signs of blockage and my temporal lobe is healing. I can be free again and live a life that, just one year ago, I showed no promise of living. I can focus on being me and being the best mom that I can be, without having to wonder how much time I have left. More important than any scans, medication, and follow-ups, there are no more imminent “what-ifs” that existed before. I can get rid of all of the notes that I so meticulously updated with current information about my child “just in case.” I can rest a little bit easier knowing that I don’t have an increased risk of not waking up. I can focus more on the now instead of wondering what will happen “if I’m gone.”
Today, I got to look my son in the eyes for the first time and promise him that I will be around for infinite kisses, hugs, snuggles, and hair ruffles. I got to tell him that even though I was told that I would be lucky to see him turn one, I will be here for plenty more birthdays. We’ll be unstoppable because not only did we both defy the odds, we pummeled them.
Congrats! This is such great news! You must feel like you've been given a whole new life 😊
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