I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am in a position to give anyone advice on how to be a mother because, let's be real, I've been a mom for about five minutes. Even a rookie, however, is aware that having a child is no walk in the park. Of course, raising a tiny human in this cruel world is difficult, but I am specifically referring to being a mom among other mothers. There is a lot of judgement and, you guessed it, competition. As a new mom, these waters have been tough to navigate. As the mom of a preemie, they've been impossible.
All children reach milestones at their own pace, whether it be finally reaching a specific weight, growing out of newborn clothes, sitting up on their own, holding his or her own bottle, or walking. It's stressful enough to make sure that your child progresses accordingly, but it adds to the anxiety when there's a constant comparison.
"Oh, you're still holding his bottle for him?"
"Shouldn't he be holding his own head up by now?"
"Why is he still in newborn diapers?"
This seems to exist in mom world in general, but is exponentially worse in the life of a preemie mom.
It's no secret that a child born early can be developmentally behind. Some premature babies progress right along with their actual age, and that is great, but others behave more along their adjusted age or even younger. All this means is that each baby, born early or not, makes his or her own curve for learning and growing. Some little ones will need some help along the way in the form of therapists or specialists, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter. Every single baby is a miracle and every milestone is worth celebrating. So why the competition?
I tend to get emotional when someone points out the ways that Flynn is somehow behind, and then I get even more upset with myself that I thought for even one second that he isn't perfect just the way he is. I have had many tearful conversations with my son, who probably thinks that I am a crazy person, where I tell him something like the following:
"I don't know why mommy gets so sad when someone says that you should be doing something that you aren't yet. Never for a second think that I am not proud of you. I know that you will do that when you are ready and you will be so great at it. In the meantime, mommy is here to help you. If that means that I have to do it until you are ninety-nine years old, that is what I'll do."
So if, in my five minutes of experience, I could give a couple bits of advice it would be to remember that your child will make their own curve and to be kind. Be proud when another child reaches an important milestone, but don't be negative when it hasn't happened yet; it will in its own time. If another mom is expressing concern that their child isn't at a certain level, remind them of that. Motherhood is not a competition, it should be a support system. We all need each other in order to get through this crazy life.
All children reach milestones at their own pace, whether it be finally reaching a specific weight, growing out of newborn clothes, sitting up on their own, holding his or her own bottle, or walking. It's stressful enough to make sure that your child progresses accordingly, but it adds to the anxiety when there's a constant comparison.
"Oh, you're still holding his bottle for him?"
"Shouldn't he be holding his own head up by now?"
"Why is he still in newborn diapers?"
This seems to exist in mom world in general, but is exponentially worse in the life of a preemie mom.
It's no secret that a child born early can be developmentally behind. Some premature babies progress right along with their actual age, and that is great, but others behave more along their adjusted age or even younger. All this means is that each baby, born early or not, makes his or her own curve for learning and growing. Some little ones will need some help along the way in the form of therapists or specialists, but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter. Every single baby is a miracle and every milestone is worth celebrating. So why the competition?
I tend to get emotional when someone points out the ways that Flynn is somehow behind, and then I get even more upset with myself that I thought for even one second that he isn't perfect just the way he is. I have had many tearful conversations with my son, who probably thinks that I am a crazy person, where I tell him something like the following:
"I don't know why mommy gets so sad when someone says that you should be doing something that you aren't yet. Never for a second think that I am not proud of you. I know that you will do that when you are ready and you will be so great at it. In the meantime, mommy is here to help you. If that means that I have to do it until you are ninety-nine years old, that is what I'll do."
So if, in my five minutes of experience, I could give a couple bits of advice it would be to remember that your child will make their own curve and to be kind. Be proud when another child reaches an important milestone, but don't be negative when it hasn't happened yet; it will in its own time. If another mom is expressing concern that their child isn't at a certain level, remind them of that. Motherhood is not a competition, it should be a support system. We all need each other in order to get through this crazy life.
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