Just Brave Enough

The NICU and the ICU may have been the most painful points of our lives, but once you leave, that doesn't mean it's over. Even still, we are going through the most difficult time we've ever had. Don't get me wrong, we are so incredibly thankful to have our son. I am so grateful to be able to hold him in my arms every single day and get those sloppy baby kisses. Given our journey, we are fortunate to have him here at all. Some days, though, that joy doesn't totally numb the pain. Is it selfish? Probably. But it's only human to hurt. Before I was able to get pregnant, seeing a woman with a baby bump would make me sad. It would remind me of what I was incapable of, but wanted so badly. Now, it conjures memories of what I once had and loved, but I failed at. It's a reminder of what I will never have again. I'm not sure which has been more painful. Is it worse to have something and have it taken away, or to have never experienced something at all? Obviously

I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am in a position to give anyone advice on how to be a mother because, let's be real, I've been a mom for about five minutes. Even a rookie, however, is aware that having a child is no walk in the park. Of course, raising a tiny human in this cruel world is difficult, but I am specifically referring to being a mom among other mothers. There is a lot of judgement and, you guessed it, competition. As a new mom, these waters have been tough to navigate. As the mom of a preemie, they've been impossible. All children reach milestones at their own pace, whether it be finally reaching a specific weight, growing out of newborn clothes, sitting up on their own, holding his or her own bottle, or walking. It's stressful enough to make sure that your child progresses accordingly, but it adds to the anxiety when there's a constant comparison. "Oh, you're still holding his bottle for him?" "Shouldn't he be

*The following may be sensitive material to anyone who has had their own NICU experience. Read at your own discretion.* While it's an amazing feeling to have a NICU graduate, the experience is not over once those glass doors close behind you for the last time. I honestly thought that I would feel total relief and comfort when I scooped up my son, buckled him in his car seat, and headed home, but that wasn't the case. Aside from what I would describe as "new parent anxiety" after bringing an infant home for the first time, I felt something more. I was panicked and scared to live a life where my baby wasn't hooked up to machines and monitors and without nurses on call, but when it was quiet, I suffered. I still struggle every single day. It started the day we had brought Flynn home from the hospital. Shortly after we arrived home, it was time for him to eat. I prepped the bottle, but he wouldn't take it no matter how warm it was or how we held him. I called t